Warning order: Men, mark your calendars now!

 

Men! For those of us of military background training, consider this a WARNO*....

Now, unless you’ve spent your whole life as a complete Neanderthal, void of romantic DNA, or on some life mission, void of hormones, you may be aware that we are quickly approaching that day of love interest investment or hopeful redemption.

Look at the calendar and you’ll notice these days falling faster than dead, wilted petals of past gifts of roses seeking forgiveness from some innocent, errant male for an unthought-through, off-handed, sarcastic remark or merely the main female in your life who misinterpreted an honest male mistake. Of course, it may have been merely a simple war of the sexes that you stupidly thought you should have won.

It won’t be long before the day arrives. So, take out your Leatherman all-purpose tool, Buckmaster pocketknife, or bayonet from its scabbard, and carve the date some place. You’ll see it in time to salvage or create romance.

Feb. 14 is fast approaching, like invading hordes of mushy, sentimental, cootie bugs that will either allow you to hear “Oh, they’re wonderful!” or cause you to experience a global ice age in your own home. Y’all can thank me later.

Well, here at La Grimm Ranchero Near-Death Life Experiences and Short-Memory Testing Center, we specialize in recognizing things said and immediately knowing it was the wrong thing to say, even when it sounded good inside your head. ...

One of our latest training experiences dealt with the missus and her chronic migraines. (Not sure why they seem to increase whenever I breathe within a mile of her, but the female species is known for over-reacting, right?). Anyway, the missus experiences migraines, and whenever I’m within her sight, she wants the lights dimmed and blinds pulled, as she places those nighttime light-blocking things over her eyes. ...I thought I was being encouraging, sensitive, and helpful. ...

I know now that I was wrong on two counts: One, I thought without her permission. Two, I said something with free-range thinking.

Evidently, a moment of frustration was not the time to say something like, “Well, a bag over your head might help us both!”

Emergency-room doctors said they didn’t know Tasmanian devils were active in Texas. I’m hoping I’ll heal up in time to get her some thornless roses for Valentine’s Day, but it’s really cold out here in this doghouse.

(P.S.: This article has been approved by Debie Grimm. It’s humor, folks. Not actually or necessarily a real series of events ... Could’ve been, but its purpose is to be humorous.)

*A WARNO is a U.S. military abbreviation for “warning order.”

Warning: These musings may be serious or may be humorous. Enjoy! H.R. Grimm is a self-described lovable, prone to blunt, witty, tending toward sarcastic, saved-by-grace, constantly thinking storyteller. Grimm, a military veteran, and his wife now call La Vernia home. Email reader@lavernianews.com.